Teen Speak

Teen Speak

Presented by Carrie Rogers-Whitehead, Robin Chalhoub

March 17, 10:15-11:30

Salt Lake County Library

Studies show that more rules are established for teens than for adults by a ratio of 10:1. In fact, teens have more rules than active duty marines and incarcerated felons by a ratio of 2:1.

Teens move in and out of adult and child roles. Generally the teen years are associated with stress and confusion.

Many teens spend a lot of time with other teens. As a result, they do not have enough interaction with adults to learn how to be an adult. Most teens spend about 65 hours per week with other teens.

Teens have a rapidly developing brain. This development is not complete until the early twenty’s. Because of developing brain connections, teens often respond emotionally rather than rationally. Many teens don’t balance risk and reward competently. They don’t make the connection between behavior and consequence. Impulsivity in teens is biologically driven with a cultural component. There is a thrill in talking back to adults, for example.

Often for an adult the overall objective when interacting with teens is punitive. But often the punishment for the behavior does not carry a significant enough consequence to actually change the behavior. Also, libraries need to try to grow teens into library patrons. Staff need to be aware of the way they interact with teens and change that interaction if necessary.

Verbal Judo, the Art of Gentle Persuasion by George Thompson offers tips for effectively interacting with others. Police use verbal judo to deescalate conflict. The goal is to redirect behavior with words. Most important is to have empathy. Use paraphrasing. If a teen is yelling, on a tirade, use a word of insertion, such as. “Wait,” or “Stop.” Then say, “Let me see if I understand what you said.” The paraphrase what the teen has said. Speak softly. The recommended approach toward teens is LEAPS: Listen, Empathize, Ask, Paraphrase and Summarize. Listening can be nonverbal. Empathize—try to think like the teen and put yourself in their shoes. Ask questions; when you paraphrase what the teen is saying, ask for confirmation. Give choices so the teen can choose his or her behavior. Even if the teen doesn’t get his way, he knows you were listening. Always stay calm and never give as a reason, “Because I said so,” or “Those are the rules,” or, “Calm down,”  or “What’s your problem,” or “You never… or you always….” This type of phrasing makes teens defensive and may escalate the problem. You can ask them to tell you about the problem. Explain what is wrong with the behavior and why. But do so briefly and calmly.

Gender speak influences our interactions with teens also. Men and women communicate in different ways and with different purposes. The manner in which we communicate can undermine our authority. Women tend to use language of create equilibrium, build rapport, and create connections. Men, especially teen boys, use language for one- upmanship. Men build rapport, but often through non-verbal communication. Women build rapport through dialogue. Men and women also see behavior differently. It is less threatening for a boy if you stand side by side with him rather than face to face as you would with a girl. Studies show that baby girls make more eye contact than baby boys. Women often apologize too much. They hedge what they are saying with, “I’m sorry,” or “Maybe,” or “I don’t know, but…” or “Perhaps.” Boys don’t see those words as authoritative. Also, a woman’s tone of voice and posture can be non-authoritative as well. Women need to make themselves big, not small—uncross arms, straighten neck and back. Be definitive and set boundaries. The message needs to be consistent with body language. A good resource for different communication styles is You Just Don’t Understand: Men and Women in Conversation by Deborah Tannen.

Help teens grow into their adult roles with volunteer opportunities at the library. Let them take ownership and enjoy the responsibility. Be sure to let teens know what you like about their behavior and what they are doing. When you do have to deal with behavior issues, remember LEAPS (listen, empathy, ask questions, paraphraze and summarize) and deal with the teen one on one, not in front of his or her peers.

Here's a funny video from the King County Library System about what librarians sometimes do when confronted with unruly teens. You will surely recognize the behavior--either on the part of the teens--or the librarian. I know I did!
Patrons Gone Wild: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=px9m-0wAREc

A brochure, Managing Teen Behavior, is available on the PLA Conference 2012 Handouts Page. Scroll down until close to the end of the page.
http://placonference.org/programs